Saturday, December 10, 2005

see-saw


Ok, So I've been a bit pensive the last couple of days...
I dunno why...
I've been making a great effort to go out there and party and even put a face on...
(This pic was taken at after work drinks so my face had worn off)
It just feels like the whole worlds problems are sittin on my tiny shoulders...
It's not any one thing in particular, its not even things in general its just nothing and yet everything...
I'm thinking about my future, I've been wondering about my past.
I'm questionning every move that I make and yet I just dont know...
I've really been trying to distract myself - trying to get into the Christmas spirit of things...
Hell yesterday I sang Xmas carols to myself...
I know its a bit early but what the hell...
Even then I found myself humming - Silent night instead of a more upbeat Christmas Polka...
My friends have started wondering whats going on with me...
I wish I had an answer to give em...
I even sent a sloppy I miss you e-card to my closest frend in St Maartin...
I haven't received a 'pick-up' email yet so I guess she hasn't seen it.
She had a baby too a couple of weeks ago...
Her priorities have changed too and for the better....
I still remember the day before she got engaged.
She had never met her fiance before.
She had been talking to him on the phone long distance for 3 months.
There we were sitting at this open air, sea facing lounge bar and watching the planes circle overhead.
We knew he was landing any minute and I remember teasing her and telling her that if he was half decent to look at, she'd be engaged before the next moon came back.
Call it a golden tongue, call it fate, call it karma...
She was engaged to be married.
Life with her never was the same again.
I danced at her wedding.
Walked her down the aisle.
She left.
The next time I saw her she was 8 months pregnant in NYC.
I wobbled down the streets of New York with her and told her "The next time I see you, I'll be pushing the pram"
And sure enough the day will come.
But I'm pensive today.
I am.