Monday, May 22, 2006

Checkmate

Is my life a game to you? Am I merely a pawn that is unable to reach checkmate? New opponents, new players, same cheerleaders. The game ends the same every time. I promise myself to become a better loser. Maybe I'm the winner though. I’ve reached the point where the fear of getting hurt hurts more than the actual pain. It’s like taking a shot at the doctor. The anticipation always kills me more than the prick of the needle against my supple skin. Ouch. Loser. I’m a bad loser. And its funny, it’s the one lesson I never learn in my life. Learning to lose. And every time I'm faced with a situation that teaches me to lose. Maybe I should just lose gracefully. When a door gets shut, somewhere someone opens a window. Let the breeze flow through. The touch of my hair on my face. My fingers slowly grabbing each strand and tucking them away behind my ear. The joy of being alive. Times when winning or losing don’t matter. Smiling, laughing, singing. The sparkle in my eye. That’s lost when I lose. Waiting. I'm back to playing the waiting game. There are rules to waiting too. What’s worse is someone wins and someone loses. And here I sit trying to win the waiting game. Because I'm a bad loser.

But once, just once I would love to say checkmate.